What does setting boundaries mean in different cultures?
“A boundary is a limit you can set on what you will accept of another person’s words or actions.”
A boundary was something physical, a house with a boundary, it had nothing to do with maintaining the physiological boundary. Which for me was far more important than a physical barrier.
I use to read articles that were mostly of self-help. I gravitated towards those articles because I was interested in learning them myself. I wanted to live a fulfilling life and without learning how to properly guard my emotional and mental wellbeing I knew I wouldn’t go far.
After seeing tons of videos on youtube from Sadhguru, Brahma Kumari, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and other great teachers. It ended in one conclusion which was practicing.
Practicing compassion, mindfulness, patience and maintaining healthy boundaries. Which meant I had to get to the roots of my experiences and track down where my anxieties were coming from.
Anxiety is not a word thrown around in my country like a tennis ball like in America. Bhutan recently shook by a train of suicides cases is finally focusing more on mental health as it should have been from decades.
Setting boundaries has been an important method or tool to calm me. Because I easily get overwhelmed. For me to say “No” whenever someone requests me to do something was moving mountains. Over the time I learned to say “No” but after saying “No” it’s not the end, there is a sinking feeling. My need to please people overshadows my conscience.
After I struggled with my mental wellbeing I learned the importance of setting boundaries. I still struggle with setting boundaries and what it really means to me. Over time I have become aware of boundaries and I am trying to incorporate it consciously.
So yes without proper access to mental health, I somehow knew I had to take up the task on my own. To place a healthy boundary was not only necessary but became crucial for me. Practically going through mental illness, had me searching for answers which I didn’t know was easily accessible to me. There are different types of therapies, counseling and professional help. Get help if you need and only think about your mental wellbeing.
I was angry at the world, myself and I didn’t know the reason. I am still trying to extinguish my anger, especially anger diverted towards me.
I would like to say I have found some sensible resolution but it’s a rabbit hole. But the journey is rewarding. I encountered many aspects of myself which I would have never known if it wasn’t for the self-exploration of mine. And yes, I am glad I made it, I am 27 years old today, that’s in itself is a remarkable thing. So, people who are struggling with anything, just hold on, life gets better.
Types of Boundaries
- Material
- Physical
- Mental
- Emotional
- Sexual
- Spiritual
Not having healthy boundary effects your values and how you view yourself and your decisions. Violating boundaries is being disrespectful to that individual. For example; unsolicited advice, disregarding the feelings of others, belittling, mental abuse, and bullying. Without proper guidance and support, it is next to impossible to overcome these issues.
Eastern culture.
In eastern culture, there is no tradition of maintaining boundaries of any kind. And I do feel with the changing world to maintain our own well being, maintaining a healthy boundary should be a daily measure.
I feel the lines are blurred setting a boundary. We don’t have to set appointments to meet with anyone generally. You just show up at their door and people welcome you. Be it personal or professional space.
I grew up in an extended family and I was around more than seven to eight people most of the time. Sometimes I slept in my aunt’s bed or my grandmother’s. I was allowed to do that and I didn’t have to ask permission from anyone. And yes, staring is totally acceptable in my culture. It’s not rude, people like to look at you for some reason. There is not a lot of words like thank you or I love you. There is no culture of expressing your feelings aloud.
In Western culture, most of this situation is a violation of boundaries and rights. This is where being culturally aware comes in handy. But sometimes boundaries are violated unintentionally but just being courteous to each other and respecting the feelings of others gets you very far in life.
Beautifully summed up by my sister Lungten Wangmo what boundaries mean to her, she said, “I have principles which work as boundaries.”
What does a boundary suppose to look or be like?
There is a blurred line between what a personal boundary is, being ethical, and what is culturally acceptable.
Human beings are an intersection of culture. We are introduced to so many cultures throughout our life but there are factors which decide which will be the dominant one. Factors like what is popular in a country which is socially acceptable. For example; American culture is known throughout the world, their language and their clothes are accepted globally. It is a dominant culture in most parts of the world. Embraced by millions of population. Shows the power dynamic and socio-economic status of oneself.
Ironically I know English better compared to my own language in both written and spoken. In my country, there is a social hierarchy with people being able to speak and write in English.
Shifting of power.
These power juggling has been felt throughout thousands of centuries. East was powerful during the times of silk road and the power has now shifted to the West. But experts are already sure the reversing of power back to the East, in the book The New Silk Roads (The present and future of the World) by Peter Frankopan he writes,
“There is more going on, then, than the clumsy interventions of the West in Iraq and Afghanistan and the use of pressure in Ukraine, Iran and elsewhere. From east to west, the Silk Roads are rising up once more. It is easy to feel confused and disturbed by dislocation and violence . . . . What we are witnessing, however, are the birthing pains of a region that once dominated the intellectual, cultural and economic landscape and which is now re-emerging. We are seeing the signs of the world’s center of gravity shifting — back to where it lay for millennia.”
It is very hard to talk about boundaries without talking about culture and our own experiences with boundaries. This is why I took longer to write this article, I googled what do personal boundaries means in Eastern culture but ended up reading articles for psychiatrists.
If we are following a certain culture, or a job, or pursuing a career that is considered important in the society and other things that are not aligned with this concept, then people are inclined to be shamed or shunned down.
Is this humanity? If people are trying to pursue things that are considered important to society?
How do we fight this impulse and overcome these compulsion to please people? I guess that’s when we need to embody good patterns and coping mechanism.
“If there’s a good hard, high wall and an egg that breaks against it, no matter how right the wall or how wrong the egg, I will stand on the side of the egg. Why? Because each of us is an egg, a unique soul enclosed in a fragile egg. Each of us is confronting a high wall. The high wall is the system which forces us to do things we would not ordinarily see fit to do as individuals . . . We are all human beings, individuals, fragile eggs. We have no hope against the wall: it’s too high, too dark, too cold. To fight the wall, we must join our souls together for warmth, strength. We must not let the system control us — create who we are. It is we who created the system. (Jerusalem Prize acceptance speech, JERUSALEM POST, Feb. 15, 2009)”
― Haruki Murakami
