My journey with mental health

I was recently told that I was dealing with trauma, baffled by the diagnosis I was going through my past memories and revisiting those days again. I had a wonderful childhood, and I loved growing up in my home town Tsirang. Shocked that being in school could also be associated with a term as strong as trauma. My counselor and I, started with how I was feeling and why I felt depressed? I told her that I just took a test in Planned Parenthood because my friend had recommended this place because of its generous nature. Pleased with the help they offered me, I didn’t have insurance and unemployed for some time. I thought I should give it a try since I had so much free time in my hand, I said why not.

I went to PP because I wanted to get checked as my period were irregular and I really thought something was wrong with my reproductive organs. I went there they sat me down and taken inside by a nurse who asked me questions that I was not ready for. I then filled up a questionnaire with yes or no answer. It was straightforward and nothing complicated, I thought why were these questions asked. I later realized this was a very important process because patients are not only helped physically but also emotionally and mentally in Planned Parenthood. I got the result and I had scored pretty high on depression as one of nurse told me. She did my physical examination and then we set up an appointment to meet with a counselor the following week. I went to PP to meet the social worker and she told me to sit down where ever I felt comfortable. I was nervous and anxious because I had never been to counseling before. I sat there and she began with her questions. She told me to tell her something about me and why did I score high on depression. I had so many things going on in my head and being verbally clear as much as possible. I told her that I was an immigrant here and without proper documents yet. I told her that I did my BA here and there wasn’t much opportunity for international students esp with the current president. I told her that my work permit had expired and worked an odd job which is physically exhausting.

I guess most of the student who came to the US as a student can relate to this. We don’t learn or know anything about a country in a year forget about getting a job here. International students should be given at least 2 years of work permit after their graduation. An average student like me is far from getting a job in this competitive market. I not only have to compete to get a job but also compete with native here in the US. So, the odds are very few. People who get jobs are either very good at what they do or else has a very good connections with higher-ups.

The counselor and I, we had a long conversation about my future goals, present situation and most importantly about how I ended up here. She told me to describe my past, and we kept going back to that same moment in the past where I had this strong feeling and I still carried it with me. In my school days, I remember this feeling that I got when I was in class 8, my grades were down and I wasn’t interested in going to school. I would talk about leaving my family and going somewhere in the mountains to meditate. It was like a realization and a nudge to myself that something was not right at that time. She told me to describe that time and period, how I was feeling and what kind of environment was I in. I told her that my school was very strict and there was corporal punishment. Teachers loathed me and my friends because we would bunk our classes and we were always aloof of some community activities. I remember a teacher called our names in the assembly and said we were bad examples. I told her that I studied out of fear of getting beaten by my teacher. Corporal punishment is normalized in our society and it’s not seen as evil. Students were to get good grades, be respectful to elders and talk only when spoken to. I had built up an exterior where I had to look and act perfectly. I was protecting myself emotionally and physically, so when it happened over a long period of time I developed trauma. I was emotionally embracing myself while getting beaten by my teachers. I choked up immediately talking about my experience. It was surreal, I didn’t know what had unleashed and I felt free after a long time. I sat there wiping my tears and trying to compose myself. I felt a little embarrassed about crying in front of a stranger. She then gave me helpful tips to deal with negative emotions and how to go about when they arise.

I saw a glimmer of hope arising for me, a life filled with possibility where I am happy and healthy. A vision attainable which seemed out of reach. I left the room feeling light and with helpful resources. I revisited my past again this time with a bit more clarity. I thought about our education system and faces of my teachers, also my friends who had died early after killing themselves. In a small society like Bhutan, there are many things to be done.

Many thoughts were rushing through my head while writing this, I had so many people to blame. Why didn’t they prepare me well while sending to school, why couldn’t they send me to a school with better facilities and instead of sending me to a remote school like Tsirang? I blamed those teachers whom I always respected and did not question their credibility. So many unenthusiastic teachers who are concerned only about disciplining students very harshly and resorting to corporal punishment. When I look back I was just a helpless and voiceless teenager, sandwich between this huge institution like school and frightening adults. How can a teenager go against the institution and tell them its wrong to hit students unnecessarily. Innocent students who are there to receive knowledge and wisdom from their elders. I questioned society and the foundation it’s built-in. I would prefer homeschooling if presented opportunity at-least I would have learned something valuable. If only there was someone who understood me and cared about my feelings. I blamed myself for so many years for feeling like I was not good enough. Trapped in my illusion and toxic cycle that I had created. I just hated myself for doing this to myself. I always listened to that voice in my head that told me I was not good enough. The list goes on and on, and at one point I realized no one is to blame. All I could do is move forward. I am told to seek a professional therapist and I haven’t done that yet but I am planning to do that soon.