Little triumphs
There are days where I am extra anxious than other days and those are the days I dread. I feel my heartbeat beating out of my chest and I can hardly breathe.
Today was the day. I was anxious and I was not feeling good at all.
I was breathing and trying to think of all the anxiety calming things that I could think of, like breathing in and out slowly, seeing something, and feeling.
I left home and walked towards the subway. One min on the timer board. I looked at the trees next to the station touching the railings. I closed my eyes and glanced over one more time.
The train arrived. I sat down as people stared at me. I had my poker face on and I was trying my best to look calm. But after four stops I realized that my chin was so high up that I had to remind myself to relax my face. I reached my stop. I called my partner and talked for a min and hung up. I was sitting in a small seating area near my work.
I was trying to calm myself before I went to work. As I sat there, all the things I feared were coming into existence. My heart was beating fast, palms sweaty, scared to go to work and my flight mode turned on. I just wanted to run away and go home. But I didn't, I thought to myself I have done this before and I can do it again.
Without another thought, I went to work, and as I entered the door I just smiled like usual. I went to change and got to the counter, I was still feeling agitated and as I greeted everyone. Unusual for me because I don't usually do that, as I was settling down I told myself you can get through this. With nervousness and the worst scenario in my head. It took a moment to settle. I went on to do my work. Moving around and trying to seem “normal.”
As time went by, I wasn't as tensed as I was before. I realized the fear had left my body and I was smiling again. I felt a breeze of calmness and everything seemed complete and enjoyable at the same time. At that moment I felt gratitude for working through my fear and coming to the other end with a sense of accomplishment.
I want to celebrate those little triumphs to keep them alive as long as I can because this moment will pass, and it will get overshadowed by the next thing.
It always does.
And I forget.
Even the best things in life get overshadow with passing time and it gets lost in nothingness. So this is me celebrating my little victories, writing about it, and making it last for a little longer, and holding it tight before it evaporates.
