New Reality
Life in New York
I live in Woodside on a small hill that oversees Queens, New York. In a one-bedroom apartment which is $1550 a month. New York is known for its rising rents and tiny apartments. We rented this place recently. My boyfriend and I were doing well at our work and were able to sustain ourselves. Life was going pretty well for both of us. He was an employee at a Japanese restaurant and I was juggling two babysitting jobs.
I remember clear as a day, a month ago in Central Park I was walking around; and it was filled with tourists, local people, and mothers with strollers. Traffic jams, cars honking, and people rushing to go somewhere. Subways filled with people, I take 7 train to go home and to go to work, it’s heavily packed with commuters and at times I have to wait for another train to let the crowded train pass by. I have been immersed in this lifestyle for a few years now.
This is what I like about being in New York, there are always activities you can enjoy and never really run out of fun things to do. Every day I go to a different place that I have never been to before and I have met inspiring people all the time. NYC provides great escapism. I couldn’t let myself let go of that grip and I often dodged the questions when I am being asked when I am returning home. I do miss home and do want to go back, it’s hard to say when now.
Years went by and I am still here unsure of where my life is taking me. I am trying to find myself and still learning to balance life as an adult.
Pandemic
Amidst a challenging lifestyle in New York, a virus broke out which is capable of destroying the whole human race. Due to fear, my employer and her family left the city to go to a quieter place. At this point, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was torn between my safety and my financial situation. I was forced to decide within a short period which involved risk. The most terrifying feeling during a pandemic is to run out of money to pay rent and money to buy groceries rather than the virus itself.
Within a few weeks of the coronavirus outbreak in NYC, like many other thousands of people, I was laid off without security and health insurance. Life in NYC started to become surreal, the schools had shut down a few days before spring break. I could see people becoming more cautious in crowded areas, especially at the tiny compact subway carts.
I saw more white American taking precautions by wearing masks and gloves, compared to people like us. In uncertain times like this, I didn’t have the strength and capacity to be bullied for how I looked. We could witness the disparities between the rich and the poor.
It was unfortunate for my boyfriend and I to move to another apartment which needed more rent deposit and had to spend a bit refurbishing the house. My activities were limited, I couldn’t see my friends and the bustling New York City became quiet except for the haunting sirens of the ambulance.
The most terrifying thing was going for grocery runs and to do laundry. People also feared to go to grocery stores and public places. There were rules on how many people could go inside the store. I went to Jackson Heights and went shopping inside Patels Brother for some vegetables. They were letting in people in a group of five or four. I also went to a Korean store called H-mart filled with people because I had to buy rice. The toilet papers and disinfectants were the first ones to be sold out. I bought a cart full of groceries fearing that I might not be able to shop again for quite some time.
In the past few months, I have been reading the New York Times and listening to New York Governor Cuomo, regarding the seriousness of COVID-19 here in NY. These days I am refraining from reading news or listening to the news because it fills me up with anxiety. At this point, the numbers are surging at a high rate and it’s scary to step outside. I live in one of the neighborhoods in Queens, where most of the people are from financially challenged backgrounds. “It’s the epicenter of the epic center.”
Mental health
People with underlying health and mental illnesses are the ones that have to be more vigilant and take extra caution. Having anxiety, and mental illness while having to face a pandemic is something so cruel. It affects your mental health drastically because being inside all time can harm your state of mind. I was just starting to take care of myself and be a responsible adult before the pandemic.
It has always been a challenge to cope up with my anxiety but after the pandemic, my anxiety had led me to a difficult place. The only way to keep my anxiety at bay is by reconnecting with my friends and family over social media. I am either on Messenger video calling my family or face-timing my friends. I keep my thoughts and memories fresh by asking or hearing about their day to day life over the video call, and I have gone to many places, hear birds sing, I saw the flowers bloom or hear a burst of familiar laughter. I am living in bits and pieces of Bhutan in NY through friends and families. Bhutan feels like a haven.
On the happier side, my employers have been generous by helping me financially. I had to be brave and ask if they can help me get through this critical situation. It worked, these are the times I remind myself that I can overcome my anxiety and lived to tell the tale. It’s a difficult time for all of us especially people like us who depend on our weekly income. A crisis like this does bring out the best in some and worst in some.
I am trying to find a new meaning in my life even in times of crisis and writing this blog helps me deal with a lot of stress in life.
There is a thin line between sanity and insanity. But the hope of returning home keeps me going. I pray that in times of Pandemic we all have a boat or a raft to sail across these difficult times. Hold onto whatever keeps you afloat.
I hope we get through the situation and not give up the fight. It’s a strange time for all of us it almost feels like we are in an apocalyptic movie and nothing makes sense.
Spirituality
In the early days of the pandemic, my friends and I used to go for walks. Our talk would consist of present-day unemployment or religion, politics, spirituality, and everything under the sun. We discussed our past and present in lengths because now the future seemed bleak. We left home for a better future and eager to take on new adventures, little did we know that we would find ourself in this situation.
We pondered about our deaths, and often wondered what if we didn’t survive this Pandemic? It’s terrifying to talk about death but in a way, many people must be going through this same dilemma. We talked about rebirth and death more in-depth. Being from a Buddhist country, Bhutan, Bhutanese are much more casual about birth and death. That is why meditation/self-isolation can be a necessary step to becoming enlightened. The strong faiths in our deities and praying for their protection is a daily ritual that distinguishes Bhutanese Buddhist traditions from other forms of Buddhism.
I do my prayers and meditations more frequently now that I am in self-isolation. In Bhutan, respected lamas and other spiritual practitioners seek out opportunities to self-isolate and seek spiritual awakening, and I am using this pandemic to do the same. It is a good time to reevaluate my thoughts and calm the monkey mind.
Present times
From my point of view, NYC might be on lockdown till the end of 2020. Thankfully our Monarch and our Bhutanese government are making necessary arrangements for fellow Bhutanese who want to fly home.
But on the other hand, during this pandemic when everything is paused, I get time to reflect on my life. Even though there is eerie stillness during the lockdown it gives me time to self reflect.
Personally, I found myself best to reconnect with activities and they are writing, drawing, singing, taking free courses or learning to cook new dishes.
I have so much time on my hands and yet I am conflicted about how to use it.
Once in awhile not looking forward and being in the present is some kind of ecstasy.
