I haven’t understood life

I am learning about the reality of life. The reality I used to think is completely different from what I am living at the moment. I had never pictured my life this way, actually, I didn’t have a picture at all in my head. I did have a dream, dream of getting settled properly and having a beautiful house with the man I loved. I would have a big wonderful space, and I would live in it, with plenty of time for myself to do whatever I pleased of doing. I ponder of the things that I read about myself, in astrology the sunshine and the little things that are related to my birth. Which makes me wonder if it will really happen. The one thing that is stuck on my head is about the tree, lime tree which represents my birth date. It said, I will always have a sad life, and will never be able to completely come out of it.

I wonder if that is true!

I think about all the things that worry me when I have to do things on my own. I am always dependent on someone for doing something, I have never lived a completely independent life on my own. Is this what it means to be socially interconnected to each other. Humans are never separate from one another. I thought I could exist without the people that are around me and exist on my own, but I think its the ego that is talking. whenever I am doing something the shame and regrets of the past brings me down.

I guess I am living my life on my own terms, or not. I read I have to be sure what I want to do and go for it, but I am all over the place. I want to dance, I want to sing, and I want to do some traveling. I want to be carefree and do some reckless things.

One person who will stand by all of this recklessness will be my mom. No matter how hurt I am by her or she hurts me, she is always there. She does not waver. She is like the strong ocean current that comes back stronger each time she withdraws from me. The farther she seems to go from me, the closer she comes. The more I push her, the closer she comes towards me. I have forgotten many times in my life, where my problems, my friends, my love life, became important, but even in those doubtful and in those colorful moments. She didn’t leave me, she never made me feel that I was abandoned, whenever I had some things that were bothering, and I would want her advice or someone to listen to but she is someone who acts on it makes sure that I don’t go through anything. She makes sure that I don’t feel abandoned. She makes me feel part of her, sometimes I feel that she can understand me without having to tell her what I have been going through. She understands deeply than any other person in the whole wide world, what’s going on with me. Because she tells me, “I was like you when I was younger.”

My mother had to go through it alone and make it alone, no one helped her in her pursuit of happiness. She had to carry herself and move along, even when life seemed unfair countless times. She had to do that not because she was the eldest or she was the only graduate in the family because she was a good person. If I were in her place, I don’t know what would I have done. I waver whenever a small problem arises, and lose hope in my dream. I get demotivated so easily and become a burden to her. She then has to push me each time I fall, if it weren’t for her, I would have been somewhere, where the reality is different, the meaning of love is different and mothers are different.

The person who went through so much, why does she has to go through all these things again? Why doesn’t she deserve peace in this lifetime? She has done nothing but gives, give everything of hers to all the people who didn’t deserve her. People who deserted her abandoned her left her without any direction and took her precious time. These people might have their own struggle, but don’t they waste their time talking bad about my mother. She is the only person, that I treasure and I wouldn’t waver when it comes to her. She doesn’t deserve to abandoned, deserted or disrespected.

The reality I learn is made easier through her, it is said that don’t be attached to anything because of everything changes, but this attachment has taught me everything about life. I would be reborn again if this is the attachment that bounds in this world. I cannot let go of my mother hands and her precious love.