Coming home

The pain I felt and the situations I got into because of what I was going through, when I pause and look back I wonder if that was really me.

I don’t think I was ever really in the moment or moments. I am truly in the moment when I am around natural elements like sun, water, trees and around nature.

But I didn’t understand the deep sadness that I have always felt.

There was a sense of loneliness and I didn’t know why I felt disconnected with people around me.

I have struggled to find that connection in relationships of any kind. Connection with friends and strangers mostly.

The blame was always inward for me, I thought it was my fault for feeling the things I felt mostly. I couldn’t think anything else.

Since I knew that I was emotionally bruised I found solace. For years I have wanted to live a life that everyone was living. This year really has been a year I found some answers, at the age of 26 I finally found what I was suffering from. The mental turmoil I was going would have been easily treated if people weren’t so afraid to talk about mental illness and trauma.

I wish people were open and help was easily accessible. I don’t know how did I survive for this long. It’s really shocking when I think about the times which was really hard for me.

I wish I could go back to that time and undo what had been done. I have wished I could time travel more than a trillion times.

I remember I hated going to school so much that I wished I could just die in my sleep. I wished that my school would burn to ashes and I would never have to go to school again. I’m privileged that I had an education and a decent one. I am glad I can write and read because of schooling. But now I also have conflicting ideas about school.

I wish schools would teach life lessons which will be handy throughout our life. I don’t understand the education system if it’s not benefiting anyone why is the curriculum still not changed? Who is benefitting from this? Why has this change been so difficult to make for the people in power? This shows what they really value, human beings are not valued or rather anything but a system. A system that is decaying and it doesn’t benefit anyone of us. It needs a different approach. I get baffled by the fact that there so many intelligent people and are in the power to make necessary changes but why don’t they act upon it. Why don’t they use their power to raise a generation that will be the foundation someday?

People need to act authentically rather than hiding under masks that aren’t them. I recently watched a video on Facebook where a girl talks about being in a relationship with her anxiety. She does talk about her symptoms like shaking because of her anxiety.

I have experienced this symptom at that time and age. I was crippled by this, I use to shake when I was singing the national anthem for no reason at all. I was so ashamed of that. Everyone would be singing with their head held high but mine bent down trying to look at something that would make this shaking stop. I clenched my fist so hard I had marked in my palms. Clench my teeth for about 4 mins which felt like an eternity. I remember a girl from my school saying in my face, why can’t people hold still for even a few mins. I had gone to a battled and survived by hiding my full blown anxiety or trauma. And hearing that made me so angry but I didn’t even utter a word because she probably didn’t know what was going on. That kind of unrequired judgment doesn’t add value to anyone’s life, not even the person who was saying so. Maybe she had her own healing to do. I wish we do better and not judge someone for the way they appear physically or the way they act or talk or generally exist. Be authentic self and live fully without worrying about people or what they say or do. People say means things and expect people to be okie with it. It’s so normalized in the society that people are expected to just brush it off.

I have been feeling that I am cooped up in my house, an apartment in Queens. The most crowded place I have lived so far.

I feel I am finally coming in terms with myself and what kind of person I am.

For so long I thought I was a coward and useless but that was my body protecting me. Those symptoms like shivering, anxiety and choking up are not really me. I am still peeling off the layers trying to discover myself and find myself. I have been hidden for so long it’s a familiar place to be but it’s a painful place. It’s an unhabitable place to live in.

I am taking it one step at a time and slowly maneuvering my way out of comfort zone. Writing is a thread that connects me to this world. This is my passion and it keeps fueling me. I know for sure in the later days I have to do more than just writing.